Proverbs 13:10 The roots of contention and peace
Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice. Proverbs 13:10 NIV
Rotherham says: “Only by pride does one cause contention…”
Contention. Strife. The Hebrew means to quarrel. From a root; properly, to go forth, i.e. (by implication) to be expelled, and (consequently) to be desolate. From this meaning I see that the result of any quarrel is separation. Or disengagement of one from others to which he would normally have a right (i.e., cohesion within a family).
The beginning of a fight
In the bitter struggle in opposition with another it requires two to tango. There are times when justice demands that an unfeeling bully is subdued by force. I think of Russia invading Ukraine in 2022 — for what? She is acting like a bully and taking something that doesn’t belong to her (although Putin may have a different view). The topic of the quarrel is rarely the real issue, but quickly becomes the focal point for the disagreement. Two siblings that fight, a husband and a wife contending, children quarreling with their parents, coworkers or neighbor disagreeing about something — each viewing a matter through the lens of their own experience or perspective. What is it about this issue that makes one willing to challenge another? It’s either the loss or gain of something — ownership and often a sense of justice intermingled. When I have something in my hand that I really want to keep and someone wants to take it from me, my first response is to tighten my grip. And in strife, this is exactly what happens. As time progresses, the two parties become even more immovable. I think of it as momentum. One force moving one way, another moving in another. When the two intersect, they collide.
Bringing empathy and respect to the fight
What if one refuses to fight or be offended? Strife ceases. So why is it so hard to lay down the fight? Because the thing for which I fight is more important to me than the person with whom I’m fighting. Quarrels are real. There is something at their root where both sides need to make some sort of concession. And this is the key: valuing the other party as one who God loves, then understanding the their point of view, showing them a respect and working toward an agreement. Empathy. So instead of colliding head on, what if one of the party who is quarreling wisens up and temporarily changes course? He is no longer barreling head on toward sure destruction and instead travels a distance along with the other. He runs next to him. Understands him. Learns how to communicate. Begins a respectful dialogue. Starts the conversation from the same position? Then gently exposes the other to a new position, one that is persuasive. Instead of the crash of two opposing forces, we now have the gentle nudge of one force applied to another until they both have changed direction. Together. On a slightly different course. Isn’t that much better?
This approach takes humility and empathy.
The second part of the verse then has a deeper meaning. “With the well-advised is wisdom.” Input. Perspective. More than one mind and heart in the disagreement. By myself, I would run head first into trouble. But with another’s perspective is safety and peace of mind.
Even Satan has a claim for which he argues with God. “Man has sinned! He’s not worthy of what you have determined to give him.” God’s reply? “In payment for that offense, here is my son, my beloved son in whom I’m very pleased. The matter is settled.” Let’s stop this bickering.
Life is rarely fair. There is hardly a week that goes by that I don’t contend with someone or something because I am potentially exposed to loss. Yet it is in humility and counsel, and patience and acceptance that I will find wisdom and peace in that situation. Something this week will occur that causes me grief. Whether the opposing party is reasonable or not, does not change the fact that I have in my power the ability to end the contention. (And murder is not the option to which I’m referring!)