Proverbs 14:1 Power in weakness
The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands.
Proverbs 14:1 NASB
The Hebrew word for house is similar to the English word — it’s nuanced and has variety and depth. It can mean the physical home with roof and floor, or the place where you lay your head at night. It can refer to your household or family. As I write this, I look at the menu items for Microsoft Word and I see I am on the “home” tab — the place I spend most of my time. Home is all of those things. It’s a safe place. It’s where I can let down my guard, be at peace, lay my head on a pillow and gently fall asleep. It’s the place of my origin too. I started in my parent’s home and belong to something bigger than me. Home has the most meaning when it is shared. Friends are good, but family is better — if you’ve been fortunate enough to live with a woman who understood the first part of this proverb. For those of us who have endured the woman from the second, the thought of home and family could conjure up some very painful feelings.
No matter how you interpret the word house, it is a place which must be built, with either real nails and boards, or spiritual connectors. If given a choice, who wouldn’t want to build a house rather than ruin it? But there are forces in this world in each of our hearts that are devoted to destroying every good thing that would make us feel safe, comfortable, and ourselves. Building a home takes planning, devotion, sacrifice. It will cost me something. And the plan I have, where did it originate? God puts it in each living creature to have our own nesting place for our mate and offspring. And my family is one of the most important building blocks of my world over which I’ll have influence. For a woman to have a vision not only of what her family could be, but her incredible and irreplaceable role in the process, is vital for her to be an effective builder. She must have an seeing heart.
There is another woman who is violent and destructive. “With her own hands” are words that sounds close and personal. Passionate. Why on earth would she or anyone ruin her own (and other’s) safe place? It is in a her DNA to nurture her family and care for needs. It’s normal to have a “nesting” instinct just before giving birth — it compels her to create a space that allows her to care for her baby safely. So to behave differently means something is seriously wrong.
Although it is easy to scoff and dismiss someone who would do such a thing, there is a reason. The trauma, dismissal, compromised identity, and abuse that one experiences in life, particularly childhood, lays dormant — until she is reminded. There is an evil culture in this world that minimizes and overlords women, taking advantage of her sexuality and weakness. Men quickly dismiss anything that is weak, and will quickly dismiss or overlook a woman. Yet it is in this weakness that we often find our greatest strength. (Thus, the importance of a two part family.) Yet Solomon calls this destructive woman “foolish.” Is she is a victim of something, isn’t that harsh? Whether traumatized or not, humans are responsible for their actions. If I am a victim of a horrible and heinous childhood or other trauma, I need help to recover. To emotionally launch into life thinking I am normal, when my emotional legs are broken and heart is wrapped in layers and layers of bandages and guts are hanging out everywhere— I fool myself. Fortunately, the Holy Spirit is the great healer. He sees and knows and will walk each of us out of our misery, into a home that we may build, rather than destroy. But I must choose. First I must choose to recognize any behavior that doesn’t build. Then I must choose to submit those behaviors to the Holy Spirit. If I cannot give up drugs or alcohol, I may call it a “disease” but it is still ripping up my home. The reward and ridicule of being wise and foolish lay squarely on every human. It starts with me. I have a choice.
So, what is it that will affect my heart and tilt it sideways? There are many things. Being ignored. Slighted. Dismissed. Unmet needs. Insult and injury. It will make me angry. Seriously angry! And if tempted, in a fit of passion it could dismantle the very thing that God has put in my heart to build. Recognize it. Make a wise choice.
Boundaries
There are things in life which over which I do not have control. When another abuses or traumatizes me, those actions are on them. They are not my responsibility. Yet they affect me. If I am in a relationship that triggers the desire to rip down my family, that’s where I put a stake in the ground. I will not ruin my safe place, even if another has no such value.
Where is the man?
Solomon says, “A wise woman.” It’s clear that the role that a wife and a mom is foundational in building a home. Man has the strength of provision, heavy lifting, and protecting. The role of the woman is different—nurturing, caring, empathy, interpersonal connectivity. These are the things which build. Both roles are needed to truly have a home that is a fortress. For homes which have a more empathetic man focused on the emotional nurturing of the child, and a woman who provides the bulk of the resources, the Proverb is still relevant. The weakest and most vulnerable among us has the most power to establish the safe place from which life flows.