Personal Life Lessons, part 1_

When I look back on my journey of faith, I’m so thankful where I am today and marvel at where I used to be. There’s almost a sense of embarrassment for the faith I used to hold compared to the place I am now. I’m certain in the future I’ll look back on today and feel the same. But the journey I’m on is one of growing and maturing. I had to start at some point. So what are the areas of biggest transformation I’m noticing?

The sense of calling

Originally, I gave my life to God with a sense of vocation. Service. What value is a commitment to God if my life’s actions are not behind it? Growing up as a Catholic the idea of serving God in the highest capacity meant participating in the ministry or becoming a priest (or a nun if you are a woman). It’s the ultimate sense of giving all to follow, especially if you consider the requirements of chastity and poverty. Yet for me, being born again in a non-denominational church required no such celibate sacrifice. But the idea of ministry, preaching, pastoring, and service was still very much a part of my thinking about my devotion to him. Yet, at the beginning of my new Christian experience I recall driving from my home in our west Kent (WA) housing area of Yorkshire to a service at the Chapel. In the car I was aware that I had a creative mind and action-oriented disposition. Combine that with the idea that men take the initiative to do God’s will and the result is what my pastor preached so firmly against: a man’s efforts cannot achieve what only the Spirit can accomplish (the very message that aligned me to the Chapel). I made a dedication to the Lord that I would not manufacture his call in my life. I would wait to hear it from him.

Fast forward to today; I have received no such call. There have been moments when I’ve felt certain I was receiving more specificity, but it was a general sense when I felt an alignment with my brother-in-law who was pastoring in California or when at the Community College that I worked I imagined God’s students filling classrooms of a newly built facility which I would often circle when praying, but I have never felt more precisely directed. But other direction I kept hearing in my spirit was more pointed: “What if I want to keep you for myself Marc? Would you be willing to let me enjoy you without any further calling?” Yet internally, I have felt like true devotion would ultimately end in my “job” being in Christian ministry. When I went toe to toe with God in a focused, faith-filled pursuit between 2005 to 2010, it was Marc who broke, not God. I realized there was no further calling. The deep sense of qualification I maintained (being holy, being filled with faith, being trained, having pure motives, having a clean life, being available) justified in my own mind that the Father really wanted this from me… because I really wanted this for me. Or at least the affirmation of it. And the recognition. Yet, there would be none. There is no call, other than to know Him and love Him with my life. In retrospect I’m surprised how my sense of hearing his voice was colored by my understanding trying to mold circumstances in a direction my Heavenly Father was not headed. On some occasions I felt very clearly like it was my Father’s voice, and most likely his presence was with me, communicating. But what is surprising is how I received him within the grid I was operating — and he never corrected me for it.

I wonder what my life would have looked like had I given up the pursuit of service from the beginning and simply loved and served him deeply — in whatever I chose to do? The next item is part and parcel, hand in glove with this one.

Finances

No one wants to be poor and lacking, waiting for the goodness or charity of others. There’s something intrinsic about wanting to work and to be able to make a living, and not just eke out a living, but to thrive. Yet in a religious context, particularly with my Catholic roots, there is the idea of poverty containing a sense of spirituality. There is much in the Bible which seems to support this as well: “blessed are the poor,” “Seek first the kingdom of heaven…,” “Don’t take two tunics or extra money,” “Hate your life,” and so on. Yet one may interpret these exhortations any number of ways. Looking back, I’ve always had an internal conflict between poverty and prosperity. The fact is, God wants our needs supplied. But does it look like an all-consuming American capitalism? I doubt it, but it is real sufficiency. Investment. An ability to be released to move about the planet with permission to explore, discover, enjoy, sow and reap, and give to those in need.

At Community Chapel, there was an idea that the rapture could be soon, so why waste your time on things that don’t matter? There was a sense that we could take the power and presence of God into a world that is distracted with wealth and things. Add a little bit of faith and you don’t need to worry about what tomorrow brings. This kind of faith is valid, even exhilarating when it is embraced by so many of my peers and feels like it has a higher purpose. I maintained this faith for many, many years. Yet looking back, it was at the expense of being invested in real skills that help my fellow man and real income that helped my family and community.

I firmly believe that pursuing his kingdom is the first priority and faith in God’s provision is essential. Yet working and making a contribution to our world and getting paid is also a part of it. In fact, finding vocation in how we earn our money is exhilarating. Monetizing the gospel is a dangerous occupation — trading an hour of my time for a hard earned dollar under the guise of freely giving the gospel and living by faith is dichotomy that is not easily reconciled. Living by faith and making a living are both important activities. When circumstances require us to make a choice, by all means God will provide. But self-imposed poverty and circumstances are a different thing.

The area of finances has been my biggest struggle, mostly because I have wanted the best of both worlds… the pursuit, focus, and occupation of the kingdom, and the fruit of living a well-earned life in an occupation. I’m thankful that God has provided for my family over so many years despite my thinking.

Faith and self-righteousness

I have a deep desire to please my Father. Within this is a value for becoming like him. Making right choices. Besides excelling at loving, “believing” is one of the key values of the kingdom. I believe that I have believed. Knowing I have a faith, and acting on it has been a confidence of my life. Doing right and knowing I’m doing right. Of the two sons in the story of the prodigal, I am the one that stayed put, faithful to my father. Yet, there is a relationship with grace, and a knowledge of my personal path to Him that is essential in clinging to the message of the cross. Any thing, ANYTHING I can do, will not purchase my salvation. It is grace, 100% pure grace that qualifies me. Good behavior and living faith simply gets me back to the starting point where failure took me off-road and over a cliff — if it even gets me that far. To have confidence in any self-righteousness is a mistake. Yet I have trusted in my sincerity and track record of my behavior to prove that I am the son that I believe I am.

I don’t know what I don’t know until he shows me. I am entirely dependent upon my Lord to work any work within me. To imprint his holiness. To call me to a kingdom occupation. The message of grace is the starting point for me today, even many years after my conversion. The father did not need a skilled, creative, reliable individual. He wants me. Just as I am. A surrendered, listening, following, humble, believing, loving, kingdom-birthed son of God who is being conformed into the image of his son.

If I die today, I am accepted. The really cool thing is that while I still have breath, I can continue to be changed from glory to glory. To experience the value of maintaining kingdom values on earth. To enjoy the life-giving benefits of a heavenly kingdom despite a broken earth shouting a destiny of death at all of its inhabitants.

The distance I’ve travelled

The things we believe about ourselves can be complex. From our self-view comes all sorts of crazy behavior. When viewing others through our personal lens they can look downright bonkers. Why did this person do that? Why did someone respond this way? We all have experiences that speak into the person we’ve become. My wife said this morning: The reason for my weakness in a particular area is because when I had a need in my life at some point I filled it with something other than Jesus and his kingdom. I fed my need with flesh. And now the comfort my flesh provides is the only reaction I have or choose to have. If when I was rejected I was comforted in food, is it any wonder that food has become a weakness? If a person needs love and they turned to porn or sex, is it any wonder that when the all too frequent need speaks up that porn or sex is standing at the window waiting to provide? When I have felt out of control and my anger flared and others cowered and a semblance of order returned, is it any wonder that anger is at hand for me? But flesh does not fill our lives like the Holy Spirit. He wants to clean out the areas that have been filled by flesh and inhabit a clean and swept house. Is it required? Of course not… just ask the thief on the cross that was next to Jesus. But it is an act of love to our Lord. But let’s be clear. It is His initiation, and filling, and cleaning, and redeeming. Not mine.

I’m so thankful for where I am today, the transformation of thinking, and the distance I have traveled. But there’s still further to go.